Thursday, July 24, 2014

An Essay

I wrote an essay last night about how I am literally going to die without ever working a "real" job. And I've decided to share it with you here. 

I’m never going to get a job, I said today to my mom, John and my Auntie MaryKate. And I meant it, too. Because I’m 21 and an English/French major and extremely overwhelmed with the daunting project that is an adult life and also, understandably, because I have never in my life had a real job before.

For years I’ve been a babysitter, I even earned the title of Nanny for a few fleeting weeks while living in Paris. I’ve dog sat, house sat, cat sat, but mostly, I’ve just sat. Sat on my ass as the years passed me by and the crows feet appeared, that is. Okay, fine, I also wrote for my college paper for a few years but frankly, seeing as it’s student run and also seeing as my editors barely even read my articles it just doesn’t count. And if it does, it only does a tiny bit.

I know what you’re thinking: Kara, you’re 21, you’re young and bright and you’ve got your whole future ahead of you. To that I say slow down you crazy optimistic middle-aged/elderly family member of mine, slow the hell down. Because if you don’t understand then I must clarify- I HAVE NEVER HAD A REAL JOB, with like a salary or even some sort of pay by the hour type of situation. Not at McDonald’s, nor Nordstrom, nor Target, nor Starbucks. I haven’t paid my dues at the bottom, I didn’t build my way up to manager of the movie theatre by age 17 like my brother did, I do not, in fact, have what it takes to be an employee. If you don’t believe me, ask absolutely any person that works, I don’t know, anywhere.

I know where your mind is now, so it’s important that you know how hard I’ve tried. Not only did I apply to low paying entry level jobs at places that hire unqualified high schoolers (who are evidently more employable than I) but also to internships in absolutely every. Single. field. Except for maybe, math, science, whatever. I applied to over 20 positions. I heard back from three companies. Two gave me immediate, standard, impersonal, mass rejections. The Third gave me an interview with a “let’s set up a second” at the end. A freaking ton of false hope, all compacted into one sweet sentence from a girl in a maxi skirt and a hat (probably to hide her horns). And then months of complete silence. And they say dating’s rough on the ol’ self-esteem.

Here I am, learning as much as I possibly can at school, reading books in my spare time to learn more, spending years exploring Europe alone, writing for pleasure and writing for love, and I am broke and alone, with not even a paycheck to keep me warm at night.

Quite frankly, I am a freaking catch. If someone hired me to work for them I would come in early, stay late, flatter my superiors, colleagues and inferiors (okay, there would be no inferiors, but it’s the thought yada yada yada) pick up the slack, delegate properly, listen intently and think constantly. I would kick some serious ass.

Now this is the point where the conclusion would typically infer something about it being their loss and that I’m super awesome, but that’s inapplicable here because it is 100% false.

It’s my loss. And if I can’t get a job now, nobody is going to hire me a year from now. What is wrong with her, they’ll say, that she didn’t get a real job before she was 21? Oh, haha, they’ll laugh, it’s because she’s a French major who listed nannying under experience.

When I go to sleep at night I hear the violent cackling of my future rejecters, and I feel the torrential dread settle upon my chest like an obese and fanged rabbit. Pushing down onto my lungs, digging its claws into my chest, causing uncontrollable panic, refusing to leave or stop. Because I am completely unemployable. And I am completely doomed.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

As of Late

I've been getting a stream of complaints lately. More like a river. Like the russian river of complaints if you will. A forceful incoming of grievances all in regard to my lack of posting thrilling things about my thrilling life. No joke. Calls, emails, face to face confrontations. People are angry! So in order to pacify the rioters and satisfy the needs of the citizens, I am back. Not better than ever, but back on these pages with some fun tales. 

I met Vernon Davis at the airport! I loove him. No, really. He's my favorite athlete. He was even my profile picture one time. 

So, story: We were at SFO to pick up my brother, Nicholas, but merci to a lucky coincidence we ended up at the wrong terminal. By coincidence I mean my mother thinking Nick was on United when he was actually flying Virgin... but no matter. It was pure fate. As we were in the elevator heading to the terminal from the parking garage we saw a driver with a sign reading Vernon's name. And basically stalked him. 

When Vernon came down to where all the drivers (and we, duh) were waiting, he made a sign to the driver and dove directly toward baggage claim and out of view. Of course I understood him not wanting to be bombarded by annoying and overenthusiastic fans, but seeing as I am not either of those things, I ran after him. He was standing alone by a baggage belt and my mom and I went up and I was completely cool as I said "Uh Mr. Davis Sir I'm a huge fan I'm so so sorry to bother you could I please have a photo please?" He was so pleasant and obviously, adorable. My mom made a comment about him holding out on signing for next season and how much we love him no matter what and he laughed like a sport. Pun not intended.  

And then we made it over to the proper terminal and found my brother. Which was considerably less exciting. Sorry about the quality of this photo. 

And we went to Tahoe with my cousin Andrew. Also, this is a horrible picture of all three of us. 

And Nick was being rude so I took a photo of him sleeping...

But then he woke up so I took this one, too

This is Andrew and his brother Daniel doing that joke-fighting thing that people do? on my grandmother's couch. They're special, they are. 

My brother took this photo and about 703 more selfies of him and various people at my Welcome Home Party. I kid you not, we all keep finding more on our phones.

And then he left again. We got the right terminal the second time around. 

So that's my lately. Also, I feel the need to disclose that all of the complaints I mentioned above have come from the same source- my grandmother Mimi. They still count though! 

Thanks for reading. xo

Thursday, July 10, 2014

On Andrew

My cousins came down from Washington a few weeks ago and it's been fun and hilarious. When we were in Tahoe my cousin offered to model for me and so here are the awesome photos of Andrew. He didn't know they'd turn up on the blog... sorry I'm not sorry?

Please excuse the messy cabin, you know how it goes. 


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

On Delicious Vegan Cakes

I'm so sorry for my lack of posts lately. My brother's been in town and he's quite the handful. 

We had a Welcome Home Kara party the other day and I baked this cake which was delicious. I made vanilla frosting instead of chocolate so that I could make it into the french flag- red white and pink, you know. 

Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow xoxo